Email Dated June 15, 2010
Sir —
So I saw your Twitter post, the one that said “deadspin dudes new book sux balls he can blow me.” You make it sound in your Tweet that your review is somehow a sane and fair assessment; surely, you’re aware you’re a child molester, right? Only a child molester would write something like that. Or an Albino. I bet you’re an Albino. I bet you look like Powder.
In my eyes, and all those who have read it with anything like impartiality, it is a Tweet driven by an almost manic desire to bad-mouth and perversely depreciate anything of value, or, failing that, my book. The accusations you level at me are simply extraordinary. I’ll have you know, SIR, that I will not, in fact, “blow you,” however politely you might extend the invite. And my book does NOT suck balls. You would know this, had you done even a modicum of research. I found this out the hard way. Repeatedly. The book will not suck testicles. JUST A LITTLE BIT OF WORK WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS. And you would have saved yourself such an embarrassing, error-riddled “statement.” I have no idea how you got this job in the first place.
I genuinely hope that you will find yourself on the receiving end of such a daft review some time very soon — so that you can grow up and start to take some responsibility for your work as a Tweeter. You have now killed my book among your 47 followers, nothing short of that. So that’s two, maybe three months of work down the drain in one miserable 140 character review.
I would have posted your home phone number on my own site, but apparently you use Skype, and I don’t know what that is. Now any idiot can be a critic. Writers used to review writers. My first book was reviewed by rangersfan4324. So who are you, tomtom24? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Your Twitter page says you are from “Tehran.” SO WHY AREN’T YOU SPEAKING IN FARSI? Yeah, that’s what I thought: BUSTED. Hey, everyone out there in Twitterland: Don’t trust tomtom24!
I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. Consider yourself UNFOLLOWED.
Best,
Will
P.S. I will in no way regret this email in five minutes.
(Ed. Note Update: Uh, I thought it was kind of obvious this was a joke. Check here and here for enlightenment.)
